tw: grandparent health scare :/

I think my grandma is dying. I mean, I know she has a bad cancer, and she's really sick, but people have been trying not to tell me how bad it actually is because i'm emotional lol I think my whole family doesn't want me to be too sad, and on a certain level I don't want to know because then it makes it real. but i'm also really scared and sad anyway. I dunno.

to be fair I think no one really knows what's going on. grandma is going to the cancer clinic today and I guess then we'll have a better understanding about what exactly is going on and how sick she is. it's been really scary though. she's so unlike herself right now and it's very upsetting. she's shakey and weak and keeps forgetting things. before this she was still definitley ageing, but her mind was still strong and she was much less physically unwell. She was old, but not feeble. But she's really not doing well right now. it's sad. I don't like seeing her like this.

I really love my grandparents. Grandma has always been so loving and sweet and she's so creative, she's done every craft under the sun and she's who really inspires me to be creative too. my family is really close and they've always been such a solid importnat part of my life. my grandma as the matriarch is so important to all of us. i don't want to loose her. and I know that my grandpa is not going to be okay if she goes. he's got some dementia and i don't know what is going to happen with him if she leaves. I don't think he can live on his own. i don't want him to have to live in a home either though. i'm really sad and stressed about all of this. I've never lost a grandparent and it might be cruel but like... of all the grandparents i have it has to be my grandma? I love all my grandparents, but my grandma and grandpa are the best grandparents anyone could ask for and i don't want to loose them. idk. this is all really hard for me.

I'm trying to think about how good all my time with my grandma is, but i like don't want to because that's like admitting to myself that she's not doing well. i really really don't want to do that. idk

i just hope we get some news today and that it's not all horrible. I would love some half decent news at least. or something to expect. some way of knowing what's going on. idk. i'm really stressed. and sad. sorry for being a bummer haha, but i had to express some of this yucky inside. maybe if i get news later i'll add it here. we'll see.

Update on March 6th:

she has a couple of weeks. I don't wanna talk about it

tw: talkin' about weight

well this is going to be highly personal. Oh well, I guess this whole page is just going to be a rough one lmao. maybe skip this whole thing

we don't have a scale in our house, but we were over at my in laws the other day and just for interest i decided to weigh myself. and I weigh just over 200 pounds right now. Which is wild to me. I mean obviously that's a totally normal weight for a person to be, especially a 30 year old grown up, but that's the most i've ever weighed. I was a very slim person for most of my life, and in my mid-late 20s i gained a lot of weight. which was fine, especially because i was feeling healthy and was active and everything. i weighed around 160-175 and that felt like a good amount. but recently, like in the past one or two years, i've started gaining weight again and it's really frusterating because it doesn't feel good or healthy this time. Like, i got a very sedentary job a year ago, and I just haven't been feeling great. I've never been especially athletic, but i used to be more fit at least. like, i was strong and healthy and everything. And now I get winded going up stairs and it doesn't feel great.

I want to be very clear here, I try to be a very body positive person. I don't think a persons weight has anything to do with their health, or indicates anything about them. I don't judge people based on what they look like and think people are beautiful at any weight and all that kind of thing. But it does feel different when it's me haha. I think thats something a lot of people have experience with, like being able to be kinder to other people than they are to themselves. I like my body, but sometimes i get annoyed at it. and mostly right now i'm annoyed because i don't feel healthy. i feel heavy, tired all the time, and i want to be more active and improve my health. but i hate exercise and i love to eat junk. it sucks. i like, want to go on walks with the dog and do yoga and stuff but i'm so bad at routines and schedules and all that kind of thing. Like, i have a lot of trouble just remembering to brush my teeth every day. and you KNOW i have a lot of shame about my aparent inability to be a functioning person.

aaaaaghajgalkfjdas'l this all feels so stupid. like, just do things! how hard can it be? but for whatever reason it just really really is. shit is so hard. being a human is stupid.

anyway. I'm going to try and do yoga in the mornings before work and go for a walk after work as many days as possible. I really just want to get my fitness levels back up. it's so fucked up that I can't walk up the stairs to my office without gasping for breath. and summer is coming and i want to go on hikes and waterboarding and not feel like i'm dying. also i'd like to fit into my shorts again so i'm going to try to get into shape. we'll see how it goes ig (>؂ •́)ᕗ⊹ ࣪ ˖