tw: grandparent health scare :/

I think my grandma is dying. I mean, I know she has a bad cancer, and she's really sick, but people have been trying not to tell me how bad it actually is because i'm emotional lol I think my whole family doesn't want me to be too sad, and on a certain level I don't want to know because then it makes it real. but i'm also really scared and sad anyway. I dunno.

to be fair I think no one really knows what's going on. grandma is going to the cancer clinic today and I guess then we'll have a better understanding about what exactly is going on and how sick she is. it's been really scary though. she's so unlike herself right now and it's very upsetting. she's shakey and weak and keeps forgetting things. before this she was still definitley ageing, but her mind was still strong and she was much less physically unwell. She was old, but not feeble. But she's really not doing well right now. it's sad. I don't like seeing her like this.

I really love my grandparents. Grandma has always been so loving and sweet and she's so creative, she's done every craft under the sun and she's who really inspires me to be creative too. my family is really close and they've always been such a solid importnat part of my life. my grandma as the matriarch is so important to all of us. i don't want to loose her. and I know that my grandpa is not going to be okay if she goes. he's got some dementia and i don't know what is going to happen with him if she leaves. I don't think he can live on his own. i don't want him to have to live in a home either though. i'm really sad and stressed about all of this. I've never lost a grandparent and it might be cruel but like... of all the grandparents i have it has to be my grandma? I love all my grandparents, but my grandma and grandpa are the best grandparents anyone could ask for and i don't want to loose them. idk. this is all really hard for me.

I'm trying to think about how good all my time with my grandma is, but i like don't want to because that's like admitting to myself that she's not doing well. i really really don't want to do that. idk

i just hope we get some news today and that it's not all horrible. I would love some half decent news at least. or something to expect. some way of knowing what's going on. idk. i'm really stressed. and sad. sorry for being a bummer haha, but i had to express some of this yucky inside. maybe if i get news later i'll add it here. we'll see.

Update on March 6th:

she has a couple of weeks. I don't wanna talk about it

text